Depression

So why am I depressed? Am I saddened because I feel used again. I open my home to another person, someone I saw real hope in, and in the end I get screwed. I go from having a best friend with whom I can share everything openly without the fear of being judged to having no one by my side overnight. I had someone who I was going to face sobriety with and now I face it alone. I had a strong female in my house controlling her ex’s powers over her and then a second later, I have a female leaving my house going home to get her beating. Before, she would’ve stayed with me knowing the latter was the bad choice. Now she leaves. Everything we talked about over the past 2 months she lived with me, how she wanted to change, has all disappearred. Was all this said to just have a roof over her head.

Or am I depressed because my life now feels empty? The void that once existed was replaced by her smiling face and her leaving me has brought back that void. Her company kept me sane. I never feel in love with her but I loved her. Did I depend on her company way too much? If I never knew her the way I did, she would have been the perfect girlfriend. But because we became so close, she became the perfect friend. I pictured her overcoming her problems with her ex and finding someone new. I pictured me meeting a female and bringing her home for her approval. Her at my side when I wed and me at hers when she wed. I have never been so close to someone so soon. It hurts to have lost that friendship faster than I gained it.

Maybe this is a phase for me. I know I am not suicidal because of my withdrawals. I know I am sad because I have no one by my side. This was to be a joint adventure. It’s bad enough to have to face this alone but the lose of a great friend only adds to the depression brought on by sobriety. FUCK ME!!! I need someone by my side.

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